Good morning, friends on the internet. I figured now is a good time to blog because I am exhausted. Exhausted from a severe allergic reaction to feelings. I’m feeling better, though. I removed myself from the loneliness of my room and relocated to a happy, bustling Starbucks. I do prefer to support local businesses, but Empresso is no longer an option for me unless I want to be bothered by this man WHO IS FOR SOME REASON ALWAYS THERE.

Starbucks just isn’t a place for creepers to congregate. Perhaps better luck in Davis. Actually, there will be much better luck in Davis. I’m just excited to get out of here.

I’m not miserable; I’m just ready for something new. I feel like literally moving out and on is what will make my overall state of feelings significantly better. There’s nothing left here for me, really, save for a couple Newman Masses and… and… really cheap rent. Oh yeah and my 2nd internship. That’ll breeze by just like my 1st one.

I’ve told a couple of close friends about this. My silly dream of having a college sweetheart is officially dead. (And dear God, no more school for me). Meeting people outside of school was kind of scary to me. I don’t know where they’re from or what they’re doing - sure, they could be telling the truth and work where ever they say they’re working… OR THEY COULD BE DRUG DEALERS. Where would I even meet people? Almost everyone with any sense left in him or her who is my age has been swooped up by someone smart enough to realize that they’re the good ones. The rest are all obviously drug dealers.

But things are looking better now. Well, I have no choice but to be hopeful. Hope is all that is left. Maybe the next time I’m volunteering in a soup kitchen and stuck with peeling and chopping a tub full of onions, someone will swoop in and heroically chop all the onions for me. I would probably prefer not having to peel and chop a tub full of onions again, though. Maybe I will meet someone when I volunteer in Costa Rica or Guatemala. Maybe I will meet someone while singing gospel music at my future black Catholic church in Oakland. I will try to remember that dating someone within my ministry is probably a bad idea :P Or maybe I will meet someone at the cookie and juice bar at the local blood bank.

Me « obviously never going to meet someone in a bar or club.

I don’t remember where this was supposed to go anymore. Oh right. I will probably have a hard time trusting people for a while, but not all hope is lost. I have a lot to look forward to, and a lot of wonderful and meaningful things going on in my life right now. And to my internet friends who are surrounded by friends who are in serious relationships/engaged/married/voluntarily pregnant: I appreciate you and believe you are very special. If you are somewhat geographically close to me, I’d love to treat you to ice cream sometime. Don’t ever settle for less for the sake of not being alone or feeling like there is nothing better out there. The least you can always do is respect yourself. And eat chocolate :)

God bless you all and have a beautiful day. Beautiful like your smile!

1. Attending CV’s Commencement ceremony yesterday! I remember attending her white coat ceremony when she first started pharmacy school… now she’s CV, PharmD! Ooh. That’s catchy.
2. Hanging out w/Sissy and the CEO of Ryando Travel
3. Hearing them make plans for my graduation party next year :)
4. Knocking out some work on my inservice… the draft that is due tomorrow… hm…
5. At least having a fabulous title page!
6. Having some serious conversations and that person being adult enough to acknowledge his wrongs and actually apologize
7. Having the courage to speak the truth even though it makes me allergic to everything
8. My pillow pet. Oh, my pillow pet.
9. My delicious Starbucks breakfast
10. Having a civilized, non-creepy conversation with a stranger at Starbucks just now

My mama’s so awesome!! <3 She is always appreciative of a French-themed Mother’s Day breakfast :) I’m glad I was able to come home for the weekend to see my parents. They have been really supportive of my internship so far. It feels weird for them to be so supportive - even emotionally supportive - about where I am in my life right now. But I’ll take it.

As promised, I’m going to blurb a bit about Baccalaureate. Turns out what I’m going to say is quite Mother’s Day appropriate. Can you believe it’s already been 2 years since I graduated? WHAT. Multifaith Chaplain invited me to sing a prayer for the community. I was quite honored that he really wanted me to be there. I wrote the prayers, fit them into this beautiful gospel song, and practiced singing during my commute.

I didn’t think it was going to be a big deal because I sing at church all the time… BUT THERE WERE A COUPLE EXTRA HUNDRED PEOPLE. Students and their families from different faith groups were there to celebrate Commencement. The university president was there. It was Multifaith Chaplain’s first Baccalaureate at our university, and he needed to make a good impression. He had been working so hard to make everything perfect. It had been a really long time since I felt my heart pounding in my chest and my throat closing up before stepping up to sing.

I looked out to the congregation and saw Chaplain sitting with Father Boxer. She smiled at me. Then I knew that I could do this. I started to sing.

Halfway through I looked back at her, and she was smiling even more and she had her hand over her heart. At that moment I thought to myself, “Dear God, this is what it feels like to look into the eyes of a proud mother.” Two seconds later, “OKAY DON’T CRY JUST FINISH SINGING.”

Chaplain and I have gone through so much together over these past 3 years. I can run to her and cry about boy problems (no problems with girls so far, ha-ha), lose my marbles over school/internship, ask some of life’s hardest questions, and get tattoo advice. She’s one hell of a woman and if I grow up to be anything like this loving, strong-willed, Franciscan/Augustinian rebel of the Catholic church, I think I’m going to be just fine.

1. Some curt patients warming up to me because they’re getting better
2. “My ankle feels stronger”
3. 0/10 Pn and 0% score on ODI. DISCHARGE, BITCHES.
4. Sharing whatever pearls of wisdom I have with a bright and lively 1st year student in the clinic
5. Ma cooking a week’s worth of food for me because all I have time to do when I get home is eat, shower, and sleep
6. My mom.
7. My fairy godmother.
8. Lezzie coming all the way to Stk from SF to support me at Baccalaureate <3 
9. Having the opportunity to catch up w/Roomie & Bear last night :)
10. Hearing that Sasquatch is safe and settled in her new adventure in OR :)

God bless you all and wish me luck on my literature search.. for BENIGN PAROXYSMAL POSITIONAL VERTIGO!!

ALEX GOOT IS COMING TO SACRAMENTOOOOOOOO!!11!!111!!!

His poppy charm has me giddy like a teenage girl. It’s a little embarrassing. I’m excited for some live music. I haven’t really touched my guitar or sang outside of church since I started my internship… hopefully that’ll change soon. I am excited to see Goot and perhaps Mraz with Little Meow in the near future :D Too bad Darren Criss sold out :( Then that would’ve been a great marathon of shows… Oh yeah, going to see Hanson, too, NO BIG DEAL. It’s going to be a beautiful summer :)

1. Really developing relationships with patients - a particular patient letting me know that she appreciates how much I care
2. Being able to show our new 1st-year student at the clinic a thing or two ;)
3. Finishing paperwork early :O
4. Increased shoulder AROM and significant decrease in pain (adhesive capsulitis)!
5. Not being afraid to bust those foam pads out for unstable surface training
6. Patients expressing surprise at not hurting
7. Getting excited about my inservice on BPPV Tx
8. My faithful Lezzie retrieving research articles for me when my stoopid library fails to do so
9. A text from Chaplain notifying me of a Dave Brubeck poster waiting for me in the office. My poster collection will be complete <3
10. Making time to follow up with my patients. Every little bit counts :)
11. Oh yeah, did I mention Alex Goot is coming to Sacramento?

I’m scheduled to work one-on-one with two patients at the same time tomorrow… wish me luck :P

Next post: Baccalaureate

Hi there.

It’s been a while. A really long while. Like, 2 months’ while. Time flies when you’re REALLY CONFUSED AND OVERWHELMED.

To make a long story somewhat less long, there were many things over the past month or so that led me to a dark place of doubt, worry, and unreasonable feelings of shittiness. One of these things was my internship. My first 2-3 weeks (of 10-12 hours in the clinic 5 days/wk) were a huge struggle. I don’t even want to go into detail and relive it. I knew this internship was known to be one of the most challenging of our options, and that my CI is this super genius doctor fellow clinician who would push me to be my best. However, I was not prepared to learn how UNPREPARED school had made us for these clinicals. On the somewhat bright side, it wasn’t just me, and it wasn’t just our program - it seems to be a deficit in many DPT programs my CI has seen that students are not being trained to critically think and differentially diagnose on a doctoral level.

When they say the majority of what you learn as a PT happens in the clinic, THEY REALLY MEAN IT.

The discouraging part of each day was that I didn’t know I could suck at something SO BADLY, especially something I had chosen to do for the rest of my life. I hated lying to people whenever they asked me how my day was going or how I was liking my internship.

I think I would have been able to get through these rough weeks with an “it’s tough but worth it for my future” attitude, but I think what broke me was the combination of this great big elephant of “you suck at life” with other personal problems that took my self esteem for a bad turn. For a couple of weeks I lost my appetite, and exercise no longer made me happy.

But church made me happy. Singing in the choir made me happy. Unyielding support from Chaplain & friends pulled me through.

And prayer. Lots and lots of prayer.

I am now happily filling a hungry stomach 3 times per day and anxious to get into my running shoes again. I am practicing happy thoughts and not  letting my insecurities bring me down. I am getting better at evaluating, treating, and progressing patients everyday. My CI and I went over my midterm CPI (evaluation of my performance in different categories - professional behavior, safety, clinical reasoning, etc.) - and I am either where I’m supposed to be or exceeding expectations. He thinks I’m doing a good job and we both agree on the areas I need to improve. That was a big relief.

Why did I share this somewhat less long story?

First, not everyone’s clinical rotations will be all hunky dory and everything you’ve ever dreamed. If your CI really wants you to learn, it will be hard. My CI said it is normal and expected to struggle the first couple of weeks. Your brain and emotions will be frustrated. It is normal to have doubts. I am not the only one in my class who thought about other careers in which I would have done a better job. Let me tell you: in addition to being a single Catholic female between the ages of 18-40, with no dependent children, another prerequisite to becoming a nun is having no debt.

I guess I won’t be getting myself to a nunnery anytime soon.

Second, support systems are life savers. I have a tendency to try to get through things on my own because I don’t like to bother people with my problems. But there’s no way I would have made it without my friends and Chaplain’s fairy godmother-like wisdom. No way.

Third, gratitude. Something I didn’t mention earlier was that although I wasn’t blogging, I started writing things on Post-It notes to make myself feel better at the end of the day. It helped.

Sorry for the lack of weekly Lenten reflections. I’m just going to try to keep my head above water and squish out what I can before Easter and internship 1 begin, which are coincidentally one day apart.

Scrumptious todayiamthankful-approved vegetarian meals if you’re looking for ideas:

• Instant noodle soup with bok choy, egg, peas, and seaweed (aka throwing in whatever I had in my kitchen into one boiling pot)
• Trader Joe’s veggie burgers on whole wheat with Swiss
• Egg scramble with Trader Joe’s Soyrizo (DELICIOUS) and peas or sauteed mushrooms and whole wheat toast
• Omg, anything with Soyrizo in it
• Bean cakes with rice
• Batar Da’an with rice
• Spaghetti with cream of mushroom, peas, and chopped carrots
• Felafels in whole wheat pita pockets with plain Greek yogurt, tomatoes, and cilantro

From my experience, themes of Lent include sin and weakness, asking for God’s forgiveness, examining our lives and relationship with God, and eating clam chowder on Fridays.

After reflecting on my past, what I have done and what I have failed to do, I felt lost. I felt like a horrible person. I felt like I needed to be lower than the ground. Have you ever felt that way? I never felt so sorry to myself and to God in my entire life. But I never felt so human.

I built up the courage to go to confession for the first time in ages, face to face with someone I trust. At age 24, I finally understood why this Sacrament was so important, and why it was emphasized during Lent. I wasn’t being judged by a conservative stranger in a box who had a conflicting concept of right and wrong. I wasn’t feeling guilty because of a person’s words rather than principle. And I wasn’t being sent on my way with an oddly irrelevant penance of “10 Hail Marys.”

Someone told me something I needed to hear during my time of distress: God loves us. God knows that we are human and that we make mistakes. God forgives us for our sins because we are truly sorry. Life is full of temptations, worries, and troubles - falling to these things does not make us bad people. Above all, remember this:

God gave us the power to make the right choice.

We are capable of doing the right thing, and we are capable of living the life we should - we just need to remember that we can.

1. Having multiple sources of wisdom
2. Having people in my life I can trust
3. Feeling enlightened and always learning
4. Having this huge burden lifted off my shoulders
5. Finally understanding the sacrament
6. Feeling so loved by God and great people
7. Clam chowder
8. Soyrizo
9. Little chats with Roomie and Little Meow
10. A sweet birthday card and gift from CV :)

God bless you all and good night.

I had a little late start to blog about Lent. February is a busy month :)

Each week of Lent I hope to post a reflection that may be related to scripture/Lent, prayers, and possibly ideas for a vegetarian or pescatarian meal. I hope this helps you do some reflection on your life and faith, and maybe give you some new ideas to journey through this season.

First, the million dollar question: What did I give up for Lent?

In previous years I had done some of the common ones - television, junk food, swearing (big flopping failure), coffee (I had a mocha after Easter and stayed up until 4am)… Did I learn anything from this?

Not that I remember.

Did I go straight back to these habits after Easter, like a lot of other people do?

Yes.

What was the purpose of giving up some trivial thing for 40 days and then going back to it like nothing happened? NO IDEA. We did it because that’s what we were told we were supposed to do.

In my senior year of undergrad, I decided I needed to do something different - something that would last - something that I would continue throughout my life as a practice in my faith. In the movie Chocolat, the great homily by the struggling young priest said this: “It shouldn’t be about what we don’t do, or whom we exclude, but about what we do, and whom we include.” That line really stuck with me and I live by it.

So I decided to do this: pray for people who upset me or make me angry. The last thing you want to do is wish well to someone who just screwed you over or nearly killed you on the freeway - but you don’t know the truth. Maybe that person had an emergency, maybe that person was having a really bad day, maybe that person was never taught better and doesn’t know the difference. People are people; they have moments of weakness, vulnerability, and poor judgment. I make mistakes; I don’t have the right to judge others. I do, however, have the right to believe in the good in people, pray for their well being, and stop myself from judging someone I don’t truly know.

Throughout the year after Easter I do stray sometimes… but Lent is a great time for me to recalibrate and stop wasting energy on being negative. Lent is a time for me to stop worrying about the little troubles in life that consume us so much. So what if the server was rude to me? So what if I have to put up with this ridiculously useless class to get my degree? So what if societal pressures are trying to eat me up about not getting engaged and married? None of that is going to matter when we die. None of that is going to matter when we reach the kingdom of God…

Because from ashes we came and to ashes we will return.

1. Lunchtime Ash Wednesday service with Newman
2. Receiving ashes on my forehead and being reminded of my mortality
3. Sharing this journey with a community I love
4. Faith sharing via soup, bean cakes, and scripture
5. A friend inviting me to join a Lenten mission… which you will hear about after Easter :P
6. Clean drinking water everyday
7. The means to education
8. Never going to bed hungry
9. My supportive family
10. Seeing God’s grace every morning when I walk outside my house

I need to be more like a wild flower. I get anxious easily, I take on high loads, and I feel like I need to be responsible for every situation that presents itself in my life.

Sometimes when I get worried, I remind myself of the wild flowers. Even for people who aren’t into the Bible, I think this is a really good message that helps us get through tough times.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them… But seek first the kingdom [of God] and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself…”
Matthew 6:25-34

I was walking to my car this evening all flustered and upset over something that was probably nothing, and I just said out loud, “I NEED TO BE A WILD FLOWER.” They just hang out and do their thing (and NOT pine over Modcloth dresses) because they know that these trivial problems are nothing compared to the kingdom of God. And not just the kingdom of God. I have all these other things going on in this life. I am one of the luckiest people in the world because I found Newman. Everyone there appreciates me and loves me just the way I am. I recently discovered that a few people at Mass call me “the girl who is always smiling in the choir.” I love making people happy and I love helping people pray. Knowing that I can do both makes my life that much more wonderful.

Phew. Negative Nancy averted.

1. Tiger muffins for breakfast before a quiz
2. Killing the diagnostic imaging quiz and eating it for lunch
3. Sitting next to a really funny classmate
4. Getting through the first 6 hours of the same class okay
5. Receiving recognition in the Dean’s letter for speaking at the UC Davis Body Donor Memorial
6. Felafel wraps for lunch because I’m fancy 
7. My yellow hat :D
8. Knowing that there is this family of sweet people who will always make me feel welcome when I have no place to go
9. Having some nice small talk w/the first year students
10. The Peanut Butter Moo’d and possibly a pretzel I’m about to go get after I shower!

God bless you all and have a good night.

[Fun fact: Kurt Vonnegut quotes the part about wild flowers on one of the first pages of Player Piano… interesting]