THINGS ARE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT
Koko called me. He’s like a todayiamthankful whisperer.
What am I afraid of? Failure. Making a big deal of this life changing decision and leaving everyone, and then not finding a job or things not working out.
No need to rush, he told me. “The longer you stay, the better because we love you.”
And there is no shame in coming back. It’s like “Darn, you’re back where all your family and friends are!”
He’s right! He told me, there is no failure or success. Either it worked out or it didn’t work out and it wasn’t your thing.
BY THE WAY, SASSY COLOMBIAN HAS A BABY AND I’M SURE HE IS BEAUTIFUL. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.
Excuse me, Miss. You dropped… a piece of your brain?
I’M FREAKING OUT ABOUT MY LIFE. WHAT AM I DOING. WHO AM I. WHO ARE YOU. GET OUT OF MY OFFICE.
- Dutch crunch
- Chocolate croissants
- "Pain-free today, knock on wood!"
- Patients who disappear for a month, and then come back all better
- "My knee feels much better, and I have you to thank for all this"
- Waking up on the bus in time for my stop
- My home health patient being back from the hospital
- French fries :3
- Orange is the New Black… yes…
- Not getting shot on the street today
Oh right, blogging makes me happy
Got home. Lay down on the couch.
[Ok - off subject - I just had to look this up because it was driving me nuts. The difference between “lay” and “lie” down is that you lay something down (direct object) and you lie your own self down. BUT the past tense of “lie” is “lay”, and the past tense of “lay” is “laid.” ENGLISH. WHY.]
SO I LAY DOWN ON THE COUCH.
Didn’t budge for Lord knows how long.
Felt exhausted. Empty. Unmotivated to do things that make me happy, like exercise, play music, MOVE. And then I remembered, “I haven’t blogged in a while, I should be grateful and I’ll feel better.”
Haven’t started listing things yet, but starting to feel better.
A lot of things going on. Feeling empty at work. Everyday. More on that later.
- Iced coffee
- Cinnamon raisin bagels with fluffy cream cheese
- Billy’s advice on like… EVERYTHING
- "I’m not saying anything… but this is going to help you grow. Become a stronger person. It’ll be good for you."
- Hugs from my patients ^_^
- What a coincidence it is when patients start sticking to their exercise program and they SUDDENLY start getting better… :)
- Rugby Boy’s undying support and weird sense of humor
- Celebrating Snail’s birthday with family in SF :)
- After a dropped call, Chaplain calling back to say goodbye :P
- Feeling loved, very loved :)
Don’t be nice, be kind
I remember 4 or 5 months ago after I finished the CA law exam, I sat in a Starbucks downtown to have a snack. A tall, slim man with wild hair, glasses, and a cello came in and had coffee. I think he opened the door for somebody. He seemed nice.
This morning I played at the farmers’ market by the Ferry Building. While looking for a good spot, I saw that same man playing cello on the dock.
He was quite good.
I read this fantastic piece from HuffPost today, and it has shed so much overwhelming but not surprising truth on my life:
The difference between being nice and being kind. That’s what I’m going to teach my children. My mother didn’t want me to be nice, but when I was a child I didn’t understand what that meant. Now I have a much better idea of who I was, who I am, and the person I want to be.
I was too nice, and I got played like a fool, like a fool! I was guilty of the many points in this article - feeling like I shouldn’t express my feelings, like it would be a burden - feeling resentment - always giving to please but never being cared for - never feeling equal. I think I became more kind throughout college, but when it came to being vulnerable in front of this person, I reverted back to nice girl mode. And I suffered for it. None of that nonsense anymore!
I am learning to be kind again. Give because it is simply my nature to do so. Give while understanding that my self worth can only be determined by me. Give with awareness of motives or lack thereof. Give because I can and I want to.
I will not give so I can gain approval or love from someone. I will not give in hopes that someone will learn to appreciate me. I will not give blindly without question. I will not continue to give if giving feels like it’s not working and I need to give more.
And today I realized that I don’t have to bounce between ambitious, driven, goal-oriented people who have not yet learned to extend caring beyond themselves vs. people who are nice and that’s all they have going for them.
IT’S A TRICK QUESTION. THE ANSWER IS NEITHER.
I want to be with someone KIND *ding ding ding ding* Someone who can love and give without holding back. Someone who will come with me to the soup kitchen and go book shopping for the Giving Tree. Someone who doesn’t hesitate to lend a helping hand. Someone who considers the best interests of others before acting.
And that evening when Koko and I were talking, he didn’t use the word “nice.” He used the word “kind.” At the end of the day, what does it mean if you aren’t kind to others?
- Making iced coffee this morning because I’m fancy
- Sleeping in this weekend, OMGWTFBBQ
- Sour cream and onion potato chips :333
- Seeing How to Train Your Dragon 2 with BF(F)!
- Man, why do I love those movies SO MUCH?!
- Hanging out w/Ryando CEO
- My friends being supportive of my future plans… more on that later
- Feeling excited because anything can happen in 4 months
- How well my flowers are holding up from Trader Joe’s
My mother was right about two things: a) I was going to get addicted to coffee and b) people are going to take advantage of me because I’m too nice.
Anyway, I remember as a young child, my mother picked me out as a pushover. “Stop being so nice and thinking about other people. They are going to take advantage of you and just get what they want out of you. People are never going to be as nice to you as you are to them.”
Maybe I would have listened if it were worded a little differently! Like, “Be careful because not everyone is nice. You have to think about what people’s intentions are and be wise about who you form relationships with and what you do for people.”
Either way, she was right! Makes me think about how my kids aren’t going to listen to me :P Ah, gotta learn the hard way.
Today my nose hurts because it’s peeling :( Too many sniffles on Sunday and Monday. On the bright side, I have a tiny nose so I guess I don’t have to worry about as much peeling as the average person??
- Better patellar tracking yet again! …better than mine…
- Dat foam roller, I love it
- More advice from Billy because Billy is the best
- Support from support personnel
- Another breakfast burrito because someone is going through a phase
- Discharging some very satisfied patients
- How fantastic thoracic extension feels
- Catching up w/CVo and how we feel each other
- Petrissaging a patient’s piriformis: “You’re not feeling as knotty today… I MEAN K-N-O-T-T-Y. NOTHING ELSE.”
- Looking forward to plans w/friends this weekend :)
UNTIL NEXT WEEK, HUMP DAY!
Tears from laughter
I took a much needed nap after work today because I felt like passing out this morning. Nauseous, lightheaded, wanting to die… the lack of sleep was catching up to me. But one of my patients was looking forward to seeing me today. And I didn’t want the clinic to fall apart and have perfectly innocent and hardworking people get shat on by the boss and her husband.
I had a hearty lunch and felt significantly better. Rolled out my T/S on a foam roller and almost fell asleep. Mobilized Billy’s ankle and then lay down with my feet up on the low Tx table and talked w/Billy while he did paperwork. I love following Billy around the clinic.
I met up w/Koko for dinner for the first time in a couple months. It’s been a while, but when we talk, it feels like no time has passed. Friendships are awesome like that. We went for the go-to Thai food and it was great to catch up and have someone encourage me to stand up for myself and not let someone take advantage of me. And always the violent jabs. He made me laugh until there were tears in my eyes. Good tears.
That felt good.
So much truth this evening. He said to imagine if people put the same amount of time and energy into building their careers as they did into just being nice to other people… what the world would be like. Too much truth. I run off chasing people who are ambitious, goal oriented, driven, hardworking because they understand that about me and I respect those qualities… but if they aren’t kind, they’re not worth our time. What the hell does anything mean if you’re not nice to people at the end of the day?
- "He’s a little bitch. That’s what I’m going to call him. Little bitch."
- Chicken pad see ew, you never fail!
- And Thai iced tea. Yes.
- The company of a fantastic friend who supports me and wants what’s best for me
- Having someone to look up to at work
- Betty’s phone interview scheduled for Thursday :)
- Working on my thoracic extension
- Crying because I’m happy
- Naps. Because sometimes they are necessary.
- Going back to bedddddddd
Treat yo self
Ok, Tumblr is not letting me resize the photo. I’m sorry it’s huge.
I treated mah-self today. After work and more work, I treated myself to some sushi because I’ve been craving it. I went grocery shopping and bought myself some flowers, and got some cute greeting cards because I like greeting cards, damn it!
Today went much better than I had anticipated. I was not nauseous like I usually am when lacking sleep. I did not feel like dying when I woke up. I was a little puffy, but I was still able to help my patients efficiently. My patients actually made me feel better today. They were all doing better, and they were all really nice. My 7am patient caught me crying on my walk to work (if I try to hold it in I know I’m going to explode later), but he has been coming in for a long time and he was really chill. He didn’t mind. AND his patellar tracking improved today after I tried something new. Ah, the joys of being a physical therapist.
Billy gave me some really good advice today too after he asked me what was up with my “cry face.” I guess it was obvious. People kept asking me if I wanted medicine or if I was feeling sick, but overall I am pleased with the work I did today. 20 degree increase in shoulder abduction, that’s something.
And now my roommate is out getting ice cream for us :) WHY IS EVERYONE BEING SO NICE TO ME.
- My friends texting me throughout the day to make sure I’m okay
- Rugby Boy’s undying support for my well being
- Koko making plans for tomorrow
- Lezzie making sure I was taking care of myself
- Little Meow agreeing to be my wedding date for Moomz & Moo-haz’ wedding :)
- The nice person at TJ’s who is always smiling
- Betty receiving an email for a potential phone interview… :)
- Enjoying sushi (soup and salad included? Yes!) and writing, taking my time
- How my patients are sometimes the one helping me, and they don’t even know it
- "You are a beautiful woman, inside and out, and you are loved! This too shall pass and all will be well." Sincerely, my beautiful (young and skinny) fairy godmother