Oh right, blogging makes me happy
Got home. Lay down on the couch.
[Ok - off subject - I just had to look this up because it was driving me nuts. The difference between “lay” and “lie” down is that you lay something down (direct object) and you lie your own self down. BUT the past tense of “lie” is “lay”, and the past tense of “lay” is “laid.” ENGLISH. WHY.]
SO I LAY DOWN ON THE COUCH.
Didn’t budge for Lord knows how long.
Felt exhausted. Empty. Unmotivated to do things that make me happy, like exercise, play music, MOVE. And then I remembered, “I haven’t blogged in a while, I should be grateful and I’ll feel better.”
Haven’t started listing things yet, but starting to feel better.
A lot of things going on. Feeling empty at work. Everyday. More on that later.
- Iced coffee
- Cinnamon raisin bagels with fluffy cream cheese
- Billy’s advice on like… EVERYTHING
- "I’m not saying anything… but this is going to help you grow. Become a stronger person. It’ll be good for you."
- Hugs from my patients ^_^
- What a coincidence it is when patients start sticking to their exercise program and they SUDDENLY start getting better… :)
- Rugby Boy’s undying support and weird sense of humor
- Celebrating Snail’s birthday with family in SF :)
- After a dropped call, Chaplain calling back to say goodbye :P
- Feeling loved, very loved :)
Don’t be nice, be kind
I remember 4 or 5 months ago after I finished the CA law exam, I sat in a Starbucks downtown to have a snack. A tall, slim man with wild hair, glasses, and a cello came in and had coffee. I think he opened the door for somebody. He seemed nice.
This morning I played at the farmers’ market by the Ferry Building. While looking for a good spot, I saw that same man playing cello on the dock.
He was quite good.
I read this fantastic piece from HuffPost today, and it has shed so much overwhelming but not surprising truth on my life:
The difference between being nice and being kind. That’s what I’m going to teach my children. My mother didn’t want me to be nice, but when I was a child I didn’t understand what that meant. Now I have a much better idea of who I was, who I am, and the person I want to be.
I was too nice, and I got played like a fool, like a fool! I was guilty of the many points in this article - feeling like I shouldn’t express my feelings, like it would be a burden - feeling resentment - always giving to please but never being cared for - never feeling equal. I think I became more kind throughout college, but when it came to being vulnerable in front of this person, I reverted back to nice girl mode. And I suffered for it. None of that nonsense anymore!
I am learning to be kind again. Give because it is simply my nature to do so. Give while understanding that my self worth can only be determined by me. Give with awareness of motives or lack thereof. Give because I can and I want to.
I will not give so I can gain approval or love from someone. I will not give in hopes that someone will learn to appreciate me. I will not give blindly without question. I will not continue to give if giving feels like it’s not working and I need to give more.
And today I realized that I don’t have to bounce between ambitious, driven, goal-oriented people who have not yet learned to extend caring beyond themselves vs. people who are nice and that’s all they have going for them.
IT’S A TRICK QUESTION. THE ANSWER IS NEITHER.
I want to be with someone KIND *ding ding ding ding* Someone who can love and give without holding back. Someone who will come with me to the soup kitchen and go book shopping for the Giving Tree. Someone who doesn’t hesitate to lend a helping hand. Someone who considers the best interests of others before acting.
And that evening when Koko and I were talking, he didn’t use the word “nice.” He used the word “kind.” At the end of the day, what does it mean if you aren’t kind to others?
- Making iced coffee this morning because I’m fancy
- Sleeping in this weekend, OMGWTFBBQ
- Sour cream and onion potato chips :333
- Seeing How to Train Your Dragon 2 with BF(F)!
- Man, why do I love those movies SO MUCH?!
- Hanging out w/Ryando CEO
- My friends being supportive of my future plans… more on that later
- Feeling excited because anything can happen in 4 months
- How well my flowers are holding up from Trader Joe’s
My mother was right about two things: a) I was going to get addicted to coffee and b) people are going to take advantage of me because I’m too nice.
Anyway, I remember as a young child, my mother picked me out as a pushover. “Stop being so nice and thinking about other people. They are going to take advantage of you and just get what they want out of you. People are never going to be as nice to you as you are to them.”
Maybe I would have listened if it were worded a little differently! Like, “Be careful because not everyone is nice. You have to think about what people’s intentions are and be wise about who you form relationships with and what you do for people.”
Either way, she was right! Makes me think about how my kids aren’t going to listen to me :P Ah, gotta learn the hard way.
Today my nose hurts because it’s peeling :( Too many sniffles on Sunday and Monday. On the bright side, I have a tiny nose so I guess I don’t have to worry about as much peeling as the average person??
- Better patellar tracking yet again! …better than mine…
- Dat foam roller, I love it
- More advice from Billy because Billy is the best
- Support from support personnel
- Another breakfast burrito because someone is going through a phase
- Discharging some very satisfied patients
- How fantastic thoracic extension feels
- Catching up w/CVo and how we feel each other
- Petrissaging a patient’s piriformis: “You’re not feeling as knotty today… I MEAN K-N-O-T-T-Y. NOTHING ELSE.”
- Looking forward to plans w/friends this weekend :)
UNTIL NEXT WEEK, HUMP DAY!
Tears from laughter
I took a much needed nap after work today because I felt like passing out this morning. Nauseous, lightheaded, wanting to die… the lack of sleep was catching up to me. But one of my patients was looking forward to seeing me today. And I didn’t want the clinic to fall apart and have perfectly innocent and hardworking people get shat on by the boss and her husband.
I had a hearty lunch and felt significantly better. Rolled out my T/S on a foam roller and almost fell asleep. Mobilized Billy’s ankle and then lay down with my feet up on the low Tx table and talked w/Billy while he did paperwork. I love following Billy around the clinic.
I met up w/Koko for dinner for the first time in a couple months. It’s been a while, but when we talk, it feels like no time has passed. Friendships are awesome like that. We went for the go-to Thai food and it was great to catch up and have someone encourage me to stand up for myself and not let someone take advantage of me. And always the violent jabs. He made me laugh until there were tears in my eyes. Good tears.
That felt good.
So much truth this evening. He said to imagine if people put the same amount of time and energy into building their careers as they did into just being nice to other people… what the world would be like. Too much truth. I run off chasing people who are ambitious, goal oriented, driven, hardworking because they understand that about me and I respect those qualities… but if they aren’t kind, they’re not worth our time. What the hell does anything mean if you’re not nice to people at the end of the day?
- "He’s a little bitch. That’s what I’m going to call him. Little bitch."
- Chicken pad see ew, you never fail!
- And Thai iced tea. Yes.
- The company of a fantastic friend who supports me and wants what’s best for me
- Having someone to look up to at work
- Betty’s phone interview scheduled for Thursday :)
- Working on my thoracic extension
- Crying because I’m happy
- Naps. Because sometimes they are necessary.
- Going back to bedddddddd
Treat yo self
Ok, Tumblr is not letting me resize the photo. I’m sorry it’s huge.
I treated mah-self today. After work and more work, I treated myself to some sushi because I’ve been craving it. I went grocery shopping and bought myself some flowers, and got some cute greeting cards because I like greeting cards, damn it!
Today went much better than I had anticipated. I was not nauseous like I usually am when lacking sleep. I did not feel like dying when I woke up. I was a little puffy, but I was still able to help my patients efficiently. My patients actually made me feel better today. They were all doing better, and they were all really nice. My 7am patient caught me crying on my walk to work (if I try to hold it in I know I’m going to explode later), but he has been coming in for a long time and he was really chill. He didn’t mind. AND his patellar tracking improved today after I tried something new. Ah, the joys of being a physical therapist.
Billy gave me some really good advice today too after he asked me what was up with my “cry face.” I guess it was obvious. People kept asking me if I wanted medicine or if I was feeling sick, but overall I am pleased with the work I did today. 20 degree increase in shoulder abduction, that’s something.
And now my roommate is out getting ice cream for us :) WHY IS EVERYONE BEING SO NICE TO ME.
- My friends texting me throughout the day to make sure I’m okay
- Rugby Boy’s undying support for my well being
- Koko making plans for tomorrow
- Lezzie making sure I was taking care of myself
- Little Meow agreeing to be my wedding date for Moomz & Moo-haz’ wedding :)
- The nice person at TJ’s who is always smiling
- Betty receiving an email for a potential phone interview… :)
- Enjoying sushi (soup and salad included? Yes!) and writing, taking my time
- How my patients are sometimes the one helping me, and they don’t even know it
- "You are a beautiful woman, inside and out, and you are loved! This too shall pass and all will be well." Sincerely, my beautiful (young and skinny) fairy godmother
Sense of purpose
My purpose is not to be with this one person. My purpose is to help people. My purpose is to create art and share it with the world. My purpose is to be a good person. My purpose is to help others realize how special they are. My purpose is to be the light God wants me to be.
I have to keep telling myself this, lest I cry myself to sleep and set myself up for puffy eyes for my 7am patient. Lord, 16 patients asking me how my 4th of July weekend was.
"It was great, I puppy sat and then wanted to punch myself in the face for getting into a situation when I should have known better." There is the feeling of self hatred and condemnation, there is the feeling of "wow, nobody who has their professional shit together is going to want to be with me and the only people who do want to be with me aren’t going anywhere with their lives."
If my clinic actually had its shit together and wouldn’t crap all over its employees when a therapist calls in sick, I would do so because I physically feel ill right now. I will probably feel better in the morning. My patients are more important.
Anyway, I am back and forth between crying/self pity and then crying because I am so overwhelmed by how supportive my friends are. Despite what an idiot I was, they are still telling me wonderful things (and you’ve got to have those violent jabs for comic relief).
I am not sharing these details on my dark moment for the purpose of being a dramatic young person who obviously has so much more ahead (to suffer and enjoy) - it is because these feelings are indeed real, felt by real people, and they happen to even relatively positive people. It’s easy to be grateful when your life is happy-go-lucky. But when all you want to do is wallow with a box of Kleenex - that’s when it’s the most difficult and most important. So I am going to put down the tissues (although I’ve already used an entire box) and get to it. You can choose to be happy. It’s fucking hard and it’s probably going to last for about 5 minutes, but I am choosing to be happy, damn it!
- Rugby Boy keeping me company and talking w/me this weekend
- Spiritual and emotional support from China Boy
- "FUCK [him]. Homie ain’t chill"
- "I’m going to shank him"
- Emotional support from Lezzie through all this
- Support from Roomie & Little Meow for my happiness
- There seems to be a multitude of people who think I’m a catch :)
- Knowing that the pain will go away and that it’s up to me
- Realistically speaking, there has to be somebody out there. Like, seriously, come on.
- Knowing that my friends find me worthwhile :)
Good night. Pray that I look presentable for work tomorrow morning. WHY 7 AM SCHEDULE, WHY.
My friends are awesome
I gotta tell you, I woke up with some pretty bad anxiety this morning (and a dash of anger, why not). Still feeling thankful for my friends and family. They all happily responded to my effort to reach out and tell them that they’re awesome, that I miss them, that I appreciate them. All but one.
What to do?
The first step is to appreciate the ones I love and the ones who love me even more. I’m damn lucky that I have friends who look out for me and want what’s best for me. They take time to support me when times are tough, and celebrate when life is wonderful. And I do the same with them. Neither of us ask for it or expect it from one another… but we hold ourselves to the same standards we have built for fostering healthy, happy, meaningful relationships. It’s in our nature to communicate and reach out to each other because we care about each other, and, well, we like each other! There is no doubt in how we feel about each other because of both our words and actions that we share. Wouldn’t the world be such a beautiful place if all relationships were like that? :)
The second step is look at my situation objectively, and not let my insecurities fog my judgment. Turn this negative energy into something productive. I can see Billy casually leaning over his desk, with the mastered look of “no more fucks to give” and lazily looking at me. He would ask the simple question, “Why?” What’s there to be upset about? Is it productive to let this get to you? You don’t even know how this guy feels because you haven’t talked with him yet, how could you be so certain about feeling upset? And even in the worst case scenario, say he doesn’t care about you mutually and he doesn’t want to put more effort into whatever relationship you have - it’s your choice of whether or not to put up with it. It’s your choice of whether or not you’ll let it bother you. And it may be your problem now, but it’ll be his problem later if he wants to keep you around.
Thanks, Billy, I knew I could always count on you to keep it real with me.
[I’m going to hug him when we get back to work and he will wonder why I keep thanking him].
I also appreciate that my friends are not only unconditionally supportive, but logical and systematic. It’s not “Todayiamthankful is right 100% of the time, screw all jerks who date her!” It’s “Well, what’s important to you? Do you share the same values? What are the pros and cons?” plus a few violent jabs for comic relief.
You need the comic relief.
Phew. Feeling so much better. I have no idea what’s going to happen over this next week. Like, no idea. Either way, it’s going to be for the best. Truly.
Until I find out… I’ll go finish up paperwork and be productive, and maybe talk a little bit with my awesome friends. Going to have brunch w/Moomz and Moo-haz. So hungry. So hard to be an early bird T_T I have no idea when they’re going to wake up!!!
Call your mom
Long, exhausting day at work. A few more complications than I was capable of gracefully handling. So it goes.
I hopped on to the bus and zombied out a little bit on my way to my home health patient. “I don’t know if I can keep doing this, adding in this extra transit time and seeing another patient after more than a full day’s work,” I thought to myself. I was feeling a little burned out.
When I got to the house, I didn’t see her. She wanted to be alone. I spoke w/her husband, and he told me the neuro oncologist found a recurrent tumor in her brain. Going to have surgery in 2 weeks, and likely radiation therapy.
I think what killed me even more was how sad and exhausted he looked. This man who loves his wife more than anything - who provides her the best care and does whatever he can… he must be so tired and frustrated.
I left their house and hopped back on the bus. I officially had no more complaints. How could I complain about extra work when it’s to help these people? When I have no one depending on me but myself? When I have people who love me and enough food to eat?
I hope everyone is going to be okay.
I spent the rest of my evening calling my mom and my sister, and sending messages to people I care about. I’m really blessed to have these people in my life, and if I go tomorrow, I want them to know that I didn’t forget about them in the midst of my “busy” life.
- Ryando CEO feeding me a cheeseburger when I got home
- Talking w/my mom on the phone, because I don’t do it enough
- Talking w/Moomz on the phone after she got back from her bachelorette weekend
- Telling my friends that they’re awesome, that I miss them, that I love them
- Did I mention that cheeseburger had onion rings?
- Receiving mind-opening insight from Billy, who is my hero and is never hesitant to tell me things I don’t want to hear
- "You seem to be the kind of person people would appreciate having around." I teared up a little when he said that.
- Letting go of my insecurities for the rest of the day because life is too short to worry about those things
- Returning to the good clinic this Saturday
- Going to bed early tonight… I’ve been staying up plagued by unhealthy thoughts. I’m sleeping peacefully tonight!
Good night. I love you. You’re appreciated. You’re beautiful. Let’s have ice cream tomorrow.
Doing something meaningful today
I feel so damn warm and fuzzy inside. I had a great Skype chat w/China Boy today. Despite a 15 hour time difference and busy schedules, we still manage to find time to talk every now and then. I haven’t seen him in years, but I felt like he was here with me when I saw the smile of an old familiar friend on my computer screen.
He is so supportive and encouraging of everything. He always lifts me up with his positive energy. And he is always smiling when we talk.
Today we talked about paying off student loans and how I considered living extremely frugally to pay off loans more quickly… but my thought is, “What if I get into a car accident and die tomorrow? What will I have to show for the past week of my life? Eating canned beans, living in a box with crazy people, and working my life away because I owe money?” For me, I would rather have a bit more balance… enjoy myself a little bit, eat well, and take care of myself while I steadily pay off loans and save up. I know it’s going to take longer, but I think it’s worth it so I can appreciate life a little more.
What do I have to show for today if I die tomorrow?
- I made time to talk with one of my best friends after I got home from a long day at work
- I had a meaningful conversation about different aspects of life with someone I spiritually connect with
- I read a book on the train
- I mailed a heartfelt card to Dr. Scholl
- This card has an adorable bear riding a bicycle
- I talked w/my mother on the phone yesterday
- I helped a full caseload of patients today
- I spent my lunch with a coworker who feels left out because of her differences
- I texted my sister who is having a blast at her bachelorette party
- I accepted the compliment that someone called me beautiful today. That’s such a nice word to call someone.