Sometimes you just need to lie very, very still. I have been out and about nonstop and it has finally caught up to me. I have had some seriously delirious phone conversations with friends who called me in the middle of my emergency naps. Roomie imagined that’s what it would have been like if I ever drunk called her.
"Hey ___, what’s up?"
"What? What’s going on?"
"Are you still down for German food tomorrow?"
"Um… I’m not - I’m not sure… I’m working and I have a phone interview and I don’t know what time it will be and I don’t know - I’M NOT SURE. ROOMIE I’M SO TIRED. I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON."
"It’s okay, go back to sleep and call me tomorrow. It’s okay to go to sleep early."
"Oh…. oh - okay. I’m going to try to sleep. I’ll - I’ll talk to you later."
It’s difficult to capture in text, but Roomie can tell you that I probably sounded like I was about to cry on the phone.
- Billy taking me out to lunch (Korean!) on my last day
- One of my first patients coming in to say thank you and brought Asian pastries
- Leaving an environment that was not contributing to my growth
- Everyone being supportive
- Naps. OMG.
- Dinner and shopping w/Mustache - her returning the favor of feeding the one in unemployment
- There was cheese on the French fries.
- A busy morning at the Saturday clinic
- Seeing my parents for a little bit
- Sleep. Thank you.
I was such a fool as a child
When I was a little kid, I had this hilarious idea of what my life would be like when I was 25: I’d have a stable job, live in my own place, be married or close to it, and have a solid handle on LIFE.
As a little kid, I didn’t know I was going to pursue a doctorate in physical therapy and spend extra time in school. I didn’t know I was going to move out of my parents’ house before I got a PT job and instead, pay rent by delivering cupcakes. I didn’t know I was going to hate my first full time job and leave it before the one-year mark. I didn’t know I was going to let myself try to do what makes me happy and shoot for my dreams in Washington.
I DIDN’T KNOW SHIT. I JUST KNEW HOW TO FUCKING MULTIPLY.
- Chicken tenders
- Cereal & soy milk
- Skipping off to lunch w/Billy after work
- Sitting on a bench in downtown SF with Vietnamese sandwiches and Thai iced tea
- "Don’t do something stupid, like rejecting a good work opportunity in Los Altos and trying to move to Seattle. JUST KIDDING!!!"
- "I guess I’ll miss you a little bit"
- Will I ever meet a sassier man?
- Feeling very satisfied after lunch
- After another debacle of “let’s reschedule patients and not tell the PT or the pts” - one more day is all I have
- A very kind thank you card and handmade gift of inspirational quotes from my patient :)
Feelings. So many feelings.
I had a phone interview with the business manager of a private outpatient practice this afternoon.
In Tacoma, WA.
Going to follow up with the clinic owner/PT this Saturday. Looking forward to it. Also spoke with HR from another clinic with multiple locations in WA. Officially submitted all paperwork and fees for my license to practice two states up.
SO. THIS IS WHAT’S UP.
I have come to this point in my life: my lease is ending in 2.5 months, I’m leaving a job I hate, and I’m not really committed to anyone or anything. I’M LEAVING CALIFORNIA. FOR MYSELF. TO GROW.
Well, at least trying to. Realistically speaking… there is a chance I won’t land a job up there. Who knows what will happen?
It’s an invigorating feeling, looking to start a new life in a new place.
ALSO SCARY AS FUCK.
That monstrous feeling of failure shoves its way into my mind sometimes. I don’t even know why. It’s not like my friends are going to judge me if I tell them I’m going to move and then don’t. It’s not like I control the job market and the lining of the stars so I MUST LAND A JOB OR I DON’T ACCOMPLISH MY SEATTLE DREAMS. It’s not like I’m going to be less of a physical therapist or less of a person if I stay in California.
But the monstrous voice judges me. And that monstrous voice is me. I fear I will feel “stuck” if I stay in the Bay Area for an undetermined period of time. I fear I will feel unsatisfied with being so close to home (I’ve always wanted to move away from home as an adult). I fear I am making a horribly large decision by moving out of state. I fear I am taking an unreasonable risk and potentially sticking myself with a clinic not as good as the one in Los Altos.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this. Right. I need to calm down and stop making this process difficult for myself. I need to stop feeling pressured by what other people want from me. I need to stop feeling so damn obligated and just DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.
I’m going to try, and if I don’t land a job, it’s not the end of the world. My purpose is still to help people, and I can do that in any city, any state. I can pray and sing anywhere.
ONLY TIME AND MORE STRESS WILL TELL.
- My friends supporting me no matter the outcome of all this
- Honestly, having a really good job lined up in the Bay Area if this doesn’t work out
- THERE IS NO FAILURE. JUST A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.
- Helping people being a pretty portable job :)
- Lunch walk w/Billy today
- "$8 for banh mi?? SO EXPENSIVE"
- Chipper phone interview today
- "Do what makes you happy"
- Orange is the New Black
- SLEEPING IN UNTIL 7AM TOMORROW OMGWTFBBQ
THINGS ARE GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT
Koko called me. He’s like a todayiamthankful whisperer.
What am I afraid of? Failure. Making a big deal of this life changing decision and leaving everyone, and then not finding a job or things not working out.
No need to rush, he told me. “The longer you stay, the better because we love you.”
And there is no shame in coming back. It’s like “Darn, you’re back where all your family and friends are!”
He’s right! He told me, there is no failure or success. Either it worked out or it didn’t work out and it wasn’t your thing.
BY THE WAY, SASSY COLOMBIAN HAS A BABY AND I’M SURE HE IS BEAUTIFUL. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.